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Red Geranium
Damariscotta, ME; Inn Along the Way, Chapman Farm
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After the evening meditation, a man said to the Sage, "Wow! I had the most wonderful meditation this morning! Then, this evening, I couldn't seem to settle down. I felt so at unease for some reason." "Yesterday it rained and was overcast; today has been a bright, sunny day. We may get storm showers most of the day tomorrow," replied the Sage.
*Brian K. Wilcox. "Meetings with an Anonymous Sage."
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Most of us do not realize how much we are fighting with ourselves almost all the time, until we begin to learn to be quiet and still. Possibly, this is a reason most people avoid quiet. Are we afraid to see the unrest, the lack of ease? Are we afraid it will overwhelm us?
Yet, we may think persons only avoid negative feelings. Yes and no. If we have been habituated to negative feeling states, we may find pleasurable feelings intolerable. So, we run from joy, peace, and love. We may complain about the negative feelings, but they feel safe to us - they have become home-like.
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Tearful and despairing, she asked her Buddhist teacher, Seisho Maylie Scott, "I've worked so hard to transform this crippling loneliness. I can neither shake it nor live with it. Can you help me?" The teacher replied, "Please don't ever think anything is out of place."
*Florence Caplow; Susan Moon, Eds. The Hidden Lamp: Stories from Twenty-Five Centuries of Awakened Women.
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Can we allow pleasure or displeasure to have a place in our lives? I do not mean indulge in either. I do not mean rest satisfied with either. I mean to allow a space to look closely, patiently at what has arisen.
Buddhism teaches there are three responses to what arises. We experience what arises as negative, positive, or neutral. We suffer by clinging to any passing state. The nature of these feeling-states is temporary. By looking, we have insight into the transitory nature of feelings. Through this, we learn not to take any feelings too seriously.
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Meditation entails learning to look closely. We are not straining to understand. We gently, kindly look.
We tend to react to, rather than be-with, displeasure. Among potential reactions are the following -
1) We go numb.
We shut off our feelings. Possibly, you have heard something like, "He's just shut down." He has closed his heart door. Any of the following three can lead to numbness.
2) We become aggressive.
We turn on what or whom we think is causing us displeasure. This aggression may be directed at ourselves. Here, we find blame becomes us, when we keep blaming. Criticism becomes us through criticizing. Misery leads to misery. We cannot move toward positive energy by expressing negative energy. If we are blustering in hell, how can we enjoy heaven?
3) Explanation.
We go into our head seeking a reason why we feel the way we do. Here, we move away from the body. Explanation can be helpful, provided we do not use it as an automatic escape route. Also, the causes of our suffering are much more complex than we often assume; yet, we may tend to seek refuge in one reason. An example, "I'm depressed because I had a difficult childhood." Or, "She makes me so angry!" Explanations are often simplistic.
4) Distraction.
We do not deny the suffering; we ignore it by attention to something else. Meditation can be used as a distraction, as can anything. We will not gain insight into dissatisfaction and the way out, if we cannot remain present. Insight arises in stillness. This stillness includes turning off our entertainments - including the iPhone - and welcoming calm and space to listen. How can persons be present to listen with a face staring into a phone night and day or onto a computer screen?
5) We play the victim.
Some religion encourages this, such as in some Christian circles: "I'm suffering for Jesus." Beyond religion, this is a frequent mechanism of denial. It is the "Oh me, Oh my syndrome." Indulgence in suffering is not altruistic. Brow beating yourself for a higher purpose is not virtuous.
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In Getting Unstuck, Buddhist teacher, Pema Chodron, compares reactivity to scratching an itch. In scratching, we make the itch worse. A way to get over the itch is not to scratch. Immediate relief is tempting. We all scatch the emotional itch, though it only gives short-term relief. Prayerful silence is a practice in not scratching the itch. In silence, we can explore what the itch feels like. Rather than be the itch - identifying with it - "I'm itching" - we see we are not the itch. The itch is the itch. In awareness, we allow distance from the itch to witness it. So, in allowing space, we receive relief. If we keep hugging the thorn bush, we never stop bleeding.
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What is the result of working patiently and wisely with feelings and thoughts? An early Christian apostle, Paul, speaks of contentment within pleasure or displeasure, a quality dependent on neither. This contentment, akin to what Buddhists often call equanimity, is not something we can think or work ourselves to. Paul reminds us having a relationship with something greater than us aids in working with our feelings and the changing circumstances of life. And, he reminds us contentment comes as a gift, when we make room for it. It is our natural tone of presence. In response to a church's material support, Paul writes, in Philippians 4.11-14 (NRSV), turning thanksgiving into a lesson of the spiritual life -
Not that I am referring to being in need; for I have learned to be content with whatever I have. I know what it is to have little, and I know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. In any case, it was kind of you to share my distress.
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In the Jewish Scriptures, the Psalmist speaks of being led by a shepherd - his God - through a dark, dangerous ravine. In such places, sheep were especially at risk of becoming prey. The poem reads, verse 4 (NRSV) -
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I fear no evil [i.e., harm];
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff -
they comfort me.
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Some Christian contemplatives use the Welcoming Prayer. One stops when needed, recognizes what is arising, and says a short prayer of acceptance. Contemplative Outreach, on its website (www.contemplativeoutreach.org ), shares the following -
The Welcoming Prayer is a method of consenting to God's presence and action in our physical and emotional reactions to events and situations in daily life. The purpose of the Welcoming Prayer is to deepen our relationship with God through consenting in the ordinary activities of our day — "consent-on-the-go."
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Buddhist teacher, Jan Chozen Bays, in Mindfulness on the Go, teaches "Say Yes." Whatever arises, one says "Yes" - not necessarily audibly. This "Yes" is, like the Welcoming Prayer, a consent. Bays notes this practice enhances our energy, for resistance consumes a lot of energy. We will feel more alive living in this consent. We will have more clarity to respond wisely.
A lesson from Buddhism is instructive here. Buddhists speak of the settling of the mud. If one has muddy water in a glass and keeps stirring it, the water remains muddy. When she stops churning the water, the mud settles. Contentment arises when we stop stirring up our feelings. This cessation is the above ceasing scratching of the itch. The whole world is stirring muddy water. The entire world is scratching the itch. This is our suffering. We are socialized to resist displeasure. We are socialized even to resist neutral feelings. We experience neutrality as boredom. Suffering increases through the pursuit of a constant high.
Can we sit still daily and drop this escape and chase to train ourselves in the way of contentment? This is not meditation simply to feel better. This is not easy work. And the work goes on and on and on, for our habituation is deeply rooted. We have built up our neurosis for years, and it will not go away without devotion to this training over time - a long time. And some of it may never go away, but we learn how to live with it better. We cease the fighting with what arises; we befriend what once we could not welcome, though it was ever-present.
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Through quiet stillness, we see our habitual patterns of reactivity arise again and again and again. What do we do? We keep working with the resistance. We practice self-compassion. We develop the skill of working more wisely with those places we get caught. Some of these reactions might heal and some not. We learn that is okay. Over time, even if slowly, we see, and others witness, we are a more gentle, kind, and compassionate presence.
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*©Brian K. Wilcox, 2022.
*Use of photography is allowed accompanied by credit given to Brian K. Wilcox and notation of title and place of the photograph.
*Brian's book, An Ache for Union: Poems on Oneness with God through Love, can be ordered through major online booksellers or the publisher AuthorHouse.
*NOTE: Some persons need to heal some emotionally before entering into a practice of Silence. For these, I recommend counseling, not meditation. These two - meditation and counseling - have different but worthy goals. They are not the same, and the aims differ. One need not feel shame to need counseling. I have gone to counseling at different periods of my adult life, even after years of meditation and teaching meditation. Meditation is not a cure-all. Hence, as in all I write, this writing needs to be read in this awareness.
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